Easy on the Cops

I don't LOOK for these kinds of news stories. They just jump out at me...

I peruse the police blotter section of my local newspaper. Usually out of curiosity about types of crimes being committed, partly out of a sense of wanting to know if there's anything I might be cautious of in my own neighborhood, but mostly in search of amusingly benign reported incidents.

For the past two weeks, Atherton--a wealthy, privacy-guarding, no-sidewalks community 30 miles south of San Francisco--has delivered. Today came news of an early morning incident between a landlord and tenant which involved frozen food. No crime was reported, and no violence actually evidenced. But the police department participates in the crime blotter report, and they were called out for this incident, therefore it gets printed in the paper. The actual food was not specified, so we are left to ponder details. David guesses a leg of lamb was involved. I suppose we'll never know.

Last week's "crime" provides more fodder for the imagination.

12:19 am FRIDAY: A pedestrian was reported not to be doing anything strange other than wearing black pants and a white dress shirt while walking at an odd hour.

Kinda makes me feel bad for the Atherton police that this is what their honored profession works out to. On the other hand, it sure beats being shot at.

My favorite mug

I herein am creating a new chain-response activity, entitled "My favorite [blank]". Feel free to respond with your favorite blank.

My favorite mug is large enough to have a nice size cup of tea or hot chocolate without going overboard (Too small and I wonder--I wasted a teabag on that? Too big and I end up wasting the excess, because how can I not use the space provided when making my drink?). It has a sturdy handle (important for carrying with baby or laptop in other hand), and is a wide regular cylindrical shape (good for even stirring and marshmallow placement) But the best part, and why it is my favorite, is the (oddly current but dated 1982, Murphy's Law-esque) text decoration which entertains me every time I read it. Naturally when there is something that brings me such joy I will want to share it with the world (the text, not the mug--there are limits to my generosity).

Laws of Computer Programming
* Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
* If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
* If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
* Any program will expand to fill any available memory.
* The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
* Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.
* Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find out that programmers cannot write in English.

Weinberg's Law
* If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Hare's Law of Large Programs
* Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

Troutman's Programming Laws
* If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
* Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error then be discovered.
* Job control cards that cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
* Interchangeable tapes won't.
* If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
* Machines work, people should think.

Golub's Laws of Computerdom
* A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete thane expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
* The effort required to correct the error increases geometrically with time.

Bradley's Bromide
* If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee--that will do them in.

Fabulous, eh? Okay, your turn.

Personal Statements

How cool is it to have a dedicated space to share one's views with friends and strangers alike on a regular basis? Vain, yes; generally pointless, certainly, but fun too. Never discount the value of fun. (I am reminded of the old "sound of one hand clapping" or "if a tree falls with no one to hear..." questions. Does anyone read my blog? Hello? You do realize I keep tabs on my readership, right? Wait, what was I doing? Oh, right, writing about vanity writing.)

Some people think bigger. Television producer Chuck Lorre is allotted space at the end of shows he produces for displaying a production logo to millions of viewers. Instead of the usual personalized production company image, Chuck takes this big-time opportunity to share a rant, story, or whatever is on his mind. So far he's presented 260 or so of these, including #255:

In film and television there exists a rule that all phone numbers spoken in dialogue or seen on the screen begin with the fake prefix 555. The reason for this rule is that somewhere along the line idiots began calling the phone numbers used on TV shows and movies. This resulted in production companies and networks being sued by the unhappy people who were harassed by the prank calls from the aforementioned idiots. All of which means that whether you're trying to enjoy a humble sitcom or a hundred million dollar action movie, every phone number will begin with the hateful, illusion-wrecking prefix, 555. In tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men we tried to get around this dilemma. The phone number Charlie rattles off in the first scene is actually one number short of a real number. Then, later in the scene, he discusses a memory trick which involves replacing numbers with letters in order to remember them. If you check your phone, you'll see the letters we used, OXOFEMPAL, or 696-336-725, is again one number short of being an actual working number, and JKLPUZO is the broadcast acceptable 555-7896. A lot of work, not to mention endless negotiations with our CBS censor, was necessary to come up with these numbers. So, to all the idiots out there, let me just say, 555-382-5968.

Like a few others, #255 never aired. In its place the network ran this alternate #255:

CENSORED
As always, the offending material is available to be read if you know where to look. I think you'll find that the card, while mildly amusing, is nowhere near as entertaining as the raging paranoia of our network censors.

P.S. For selfish reasons I would ask that you wait to read the censored card until after The Big Bang Theory.

Where to look is on his website, where he posts all of 'em, aired or not. Whether good or bad, self destructive or career making, as of tonight Chuck Lorre Productions has generated more than 260 of these industry-poking "vanity cards". Harmlessly fun and way cooler than a blog, I'd say.

P.S. I ran a google search with just the word "fun" and it suggested Wikipedia's "Recreation" entry. Okay, I could challenge the relevance of presenting recreation as a legitimate objective when seeking out fun, but that's not what got my blood boiling. Check out the preview line offered for that page:

Recreation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Recreation or fun is chasing around black people with sticks. While leisure is more likely ...
Look up recreation or fun in Wiktionary, the free dictionary. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreation -

Wtf?! When I clicked through to the page, that text does not actually appear. I am thankful (the offending text has been edited out) and still deeply disturbed all at the same time.

P.P.S. Lest you be left with an appalling image of Wikipedia and its anyone-can-contribute, seemingly nonexistent publishing standards, check out the un-fun but not un-interesting discussion of its Recreation entry. Some people have way too much time on their hands.

P.P.P.S. It could be said that all blog writers have too much time on their hands. Me, I'd say Chuck Lorre does.

Virtual homelessness

This is awesome. It's a blog reporting on the simulated game world of a homeless father and daughter, Kev and Alice. "That's a game?" you ask. Yup, welcome to The Sims 3, a simulation game where you create people and construct homes (or not, in this case) and neighborhoods, send young ones to school, older ones to work, and help your charges avoid death until old age takes them. Completely silly and fascinating at the same time. (Alice and Kev's creator also has a Twitter feed for them). Naturally I learned of this fabulous oddity through the Freakonomics blog. :)

Funny Baby

I might be taking the "having a child can be such fun" notion in a new direction here, but I've started clipping cartoons that sort of bust on parenting. Thus far I've found two amusing parenting-related comics to hang on the baby room door. One's a New Yorker cartoon by Drew Dernavich. It shows two parents cribside as they tell some visiting friends:

We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese.

:) An amusing take on the absurd directions some people take while educating their children for the world, IMHO.

The other one I've taped on the door thus far makes me giggle everytime I read it. I just love the play on words in this Pardon My Planet comic by Vic Lee.


Fun stuff, eh? If you come across something funny that you think would make a good addition to the above, do send me a copy or an electronic link.

UPDATE 11/10
Speaking of baby showers, I've added a sampling of shower pics to my picture pages. Oddly enough, each shower at some point featured me wearing a towel on my head and me poised over a large, sweet, delicious cake. Just a coincidence? I'll let you be the judge.

Is that your final answer?

Thanks to Anne for suggesting this funny web app, which generates absurd garbled interview responses based on Sarah Palin's actual interview answers.

If you haven't caught either of the Saturday Night Live sketches featuring Tina Fey doing a dead-on parody of Palin, you are truly missing out. The first features Fey and Amy Poehler as Palin and Hillary Clinton. The second piece is Fey and Poehler as Palin and Katie Couric doing a CBS Evening News interview.

And lest you think SNL went too far in this last bit, you should know that much of Fey's dialogue consists of direct quotes from the actual interview.

Jib Jab

Apparently my nephew has gotten hooked on watching JibJab videos online. I like that there's humor out there which appeals to 6 year olds and 37 year olds alike (although we might be taking different things from the experience). Anyway, check out JibJab's latest election animation short, Time for Some Campaignin', for a quick laugh.

Time Wasters

Today's Fun Stuff post brings you another recommended website which is basically useless but will keep you entertained on your lunch hour: Neatorama. Like BoingBoing ("A directory of wonderful things"), Neatorama features commentary on and links to unusual things around the Web. I was hooked when I saw references to MythBusters and the Bathroom Reader. Neatorama's links are posted by a cadre of contributors, most of whom maintain blogs elsewhere. Among their recent contributions: things it's (generally) impossible to do with your body, odd museums worth visiting, and John Doe names from around the world.

Mad Libs!

Remember Mad Libs, those silly fill-in-the-blank stories we used to play as kids? Did you know you can play online? There are lots of versions, but I'd recommend these two: Check out "Mad Libs on the web" for three classic wacky insert-a-word stories (watch out, once you start it won't let you stop until you give every word required). Or go visit Mad Glibs. Mad Glibs has the usual generic stories, like a personal ad or nursery rhyme, as well as pop culture--new lyrics for Smelly Cat or Hakuna Matata--and even some classic lit. Perfect lunchtime entertainment.

Titles

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:

Her Grace Lady Michelle the Talkative of Pigotts Sty,
Most Noble and Honourable the Prohibited of Withering Glance

For a random title generator, I think it did eerily well. Get your own peculiar aristocratic title.

Last night David and I huddled around the laptop to watch The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters on DVD (Why watching on a laptop? Because we are currently in possession of not one, but two non-functioning DVD players. Maybe Tomminy Tivo intimidates them?) Anyway, King of Kong starts off kind of slowly, and early on it just seems like a history of the arcade game variety of the Uber Geek species. But then it turns into a near-infuriating but compelling human drama centered on two men's claims to World Champion status on the game of Donkey Kong. And my description still doesn't do justice to the oddness of the flick. Naturally I recommend it.

Puppies!

I'm all about the fun stuff today. At some point during the Super Bowl you should switch over to Animal Planet. Why? Because Puppy Bowl IV is on! At any given time, eight puppies crowd a miniature football field strewn with play toys and a water dish (including hidden water-dish-cam) and all you have to do is watch and try not to squeal and coo too much.

The New York Times wrote about this adorable, growing hit:

There is commentary, by Harry Kalas, the legendary N.F.L. and Phillies broadcaster, who in this case says things like: “He’s at the 20, he’s at the 30! O.K., now he’s back at the 20, the 10.” There are M.V.P. and viewer’s choice awards. And there is a referee to call the action, such as it is, and deal with what the show refers to as “puppy fouls.”

“The puppies are running around, playing with squeak toys, mock footballs — whether they realize it or not, some of them do make touchdowns,” Ms. Toporoff (Exec Producer) said. Still, no points are kept.

And censors need not worry: there are no wardrobe malfunctions during the kitten halftime spectacle, in which 15 or so cats climb on and play with toys. This year’s version is more sparkly, with falling confetti and a background of silver streamers. “We took more, like, a burlesque approach,” Mr. Schechter said.

Puppy frolics, burlesque kitties, and pointless scoring. I am so there.

P.S. At one point there was a Bernese and a Westie on the field together. I took it as a good opportunity to see how our imaginary (aka "sometime in the future") pets would get along. Oh dear. Let's just say the Westie (named Jackson) ran many rings around the Bernese (named Colt). Jackson was such a rambunctious player that he won the favor of the fans who voted him #1 in the Viewer's Choice MVP.

Doppelgangers

Me and David a la South Park:



Make a little South Park version of you here. Too fun!

Free the rice

Next time you are looking for something to do on the web, check out the simple to use, free vocabulary quiz FreeRice. It may feel like test prep all over again but this time the stakes are higher, so check your answers before submitting. Each correct answer generates a donation of 20 grains of rice. Read more about the project or just go play. (And if you need help, that's what a dictionary is for.) Thanks to Lisa for pointing out this webgem.

Nov 30 update: Apparently I am de rigeur (and you can be too!). The latest issue of Rolling Stone listed the FreeRice site in its what's hot on the Internet section.

Tribbles

Anyone who grew up watching Star Trek should check out Wired's list of the 10 Cheesiest Classic Creatures. The original Enterprise gang faced some pretty silly villains and the Wired folks have given each a nice tribute, including the episode in which the creature was featured as well as a list of its powers and weaknesses (Tribbles "make Klingons edgy" but can presumably be done in with hammers, though the latter is an assumption on the editors' part). Very good fun. Thanks Boing Boing, for pointing this and other amusements out to me.

Smart

The Smart car is coming! The Smart car is coming!

My mother worried there was something terribly wrong when I gasped loudly over the phone. Unbeknownst to her, my eye had alighted on the front page of today's Mercury News. It featured the adorable little two seater which is being shown off around the country to auto reporters in advance of a 2008 rollout. I was positively overcome, practically swooning and hyperventilating in turns.

I fell in love with this teeny little car (106 inches long, compared to the 145 inch long Mini Cooper) on our first trip to Greece in 2000 and have coveted it ever since. Some people prefer trucks and mansions. I'm more of a small space dweller myself (with lots of windows, whether in a car or a residence, not that you asked). The Smart car is as small as a four-wheeled, two person vehicle can get, I'm pretty sure. (I also dream of riding a motorcycle, but that is the subject for another posting.)

I won't actually buy the mid-teen priced Smart next year, for I am not such a consumerist as to act upon every product urge (else I'd have a house full of Porsches and peanut butter cups). I am content to simply admire things I covet (does that mean I am not truly coveting?). Yet again I digress.

The coming Smarts are Fortwo models, so-named because they are for two passengers (as opposed to the Forfour, which is a mouthful and thus thankfully not available). The car, sold in Europe for nearly a decade, will be available in the US starting next year through special Mercedes dealerships (like BMW did with Mini Coopers). I encourage you to go check out the Smart car's features, availability, a first-look review, or a test drive report. Isn't it just too adorable?

P.S. Is anyone else slightly disappointed that the Red Sox might go all the way again so soon after ending their century-long drought? I'd rather like to keep that 2004 come-from-behind World Series winning season special. There's nothing sadder than a really neat thing becoming trite, is there? *sigh* Maybe I'm just jealous because--let's be honest about this--my baseball and football teams suck. I've chosen wisely what to dream of these days. A Smart car, unlike a championship home team, is at least within my reach.

P.P.S. You will find that from here on forward, when you click on a link in my blog it will open a new browser window or tab. I'd hate to have you leave me and never return. :) Wanna do this on your own site? Here's how.

Lefties

Random quick amusement...
Courtesy of the Freakonomics blog comes a left-brain, right-brain (aka lateralization of function) check: Which direction do you see this dancer moving, clockwise or counterclockwise? Can you eventually see it going either direction? I alas have thus far been unable to change my direction (can you guess which it is?). Give it a try.

Movie review: The Kingdom
Starring Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper, and Jason Bateman, The Kingdom is about a team of FBI agents who travel to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia in order to investigate a series of attacks on an American facility there. The team, led by Foxx, has a tough time gaining approval in Washington and must pull strings to get 5 days on the ground. On the scene they face intermittent bureacratic stonewalling, a skeptical local police babysitter, and a few significant gunfights with locals. In the end the lesson is about the similarities among us (though not necessarily in the way you might imagine).

The film's pace is good, location filming (albeit in UAE) lends authenticity, and there are sufficient comic and action moments to prevent any drag. I had a few complaints, most notably the inclusion of an emotionally understandable but implausbily unprofessional desire for vengeance imbued in the characters. The female team member never covers her head, most notably when venturing out into neighborhoods (um, is it not a bit odd, to make no concession whatsoever to local custom thereby sticking out like a sore thumb when you want to find clues to a sensitive crime?). These are supposed to be high level trained professionals in forensics, bomb detection, etc, yet they don't always act like it. Bateman's character--nominally an analyst--is present only for laughs. Fortunately, these easily remedied/explained quibbles do not influence the significant events of the movie.

Overall The Kingdom is a decent popcorn action flick and will appeal to most audiences (yes, it's got violence, but there is a point to the story, for which I am appreciative). Whether you want to see this movie or not, I do recommend the opening credits, which offer a stylish, concise history of modern Saudi Arabia and US relations there. And for a fuller treatment, I highly recommend the Frontline documentary House of Saud, from which some of the narration for The Kingdom's opening was borrowed.

Studying

I see today that my dissertation topic (individual- and environmental-level predictors of Latino student achievement, not that you asked) isn't nearly as tantalizing as what other people get paid to investigate. How rigorously did researchers have to prepare academically to conduct this study of owners' emotional attachment to their Roombas? I bet they have PhD's. I wonder how many social sciences doctoral students are inspired by after-the-fact revered researchers like Kinsey, who broke some of the most fertile ground in academia by pioneering research in sex. We all realize sex isn't the subject he started his career out with.

A little digression, which possibly this entire blog could be called...
Paul Ehrlich points out that studying sex is "a lot more interesting than studying the pollination of plants." He also observes that "being human beings, scientists, too, are fascinated by sex"; how sad that we need reminded. Of course this makes me wonder about those who do choose to study plant pollination, but I wish not to pass judgment, lest they tell me to cast the first stone. I won't bore you at present with what else Ehrlich has to say about the way scientists study sex and other topics, and the inevitable bias that comes into alleged "scientific" studies. But I will tell you that the rest of his book Human Natures is quite worth a read.

Back to the serious matter of scientific research...
Here's a transcript of a very interesting discussion about the need for, and misunderstood nature of, basic research (aka, research that doesn't appear immediately useful). Hmm, I wonder if the people engaged in that discussion would think differently about research if they owned--and loved--a Roomba. I see a study in there somewhere. In the meantime, read the results of a study on "friends with benefits" here. Or take a look at this study on spousal arguments (women argue most about children and housework, men about sex, money, and leisure). Wow, research can be fun. That's my cue to get back to work....

Argh

I can't believe I didn't realize--and no one told me until dinnertime--that it was Talk Like a Pirate Day yesterday. This is made more unbelievable by the fact that the woman I was sharing a bed with at the time and my own dear hubby both knew! Oh well, there's always next year....

Back to Beaumont

For my 200th post, I will redirect you to Virginia's blog to read about our adventures in the Forest Lawn Memorial Park. That's right, after a full day of school/work and even waiting until after dinner we drove 90 miles--each way--to Beaumont, Texas mere days after the city was hit by an unexpected hurricane to go to a cemetery. Oooh, a cemetery at night. If that doesn't encourage your reading on, how about these tidbits?

1. We were pulled over not once but twice by police ("But officer, we're not doing anything illegal").
2. I saw a lot of cockroaches.
3. I sort of cursed Jesus. His wasn't the life-size statue we were seeking in the dark of night, but from a distance we couldn't tell that.
   
4. We never located the gravesite we were looking for (the desire to see this started with a Beaumont journalist's blog postings I read earlier this year).
5. We passed through Babyland and lived to tell the tale.

If that doesn't motivate you, I don't know what will.

We called my brother afterwards, still on our mad adventure high, and I was counting on him singing "No more scooter rides in the cemetery...", but he didn't. A missed opportunity indeed.

The Big O

Thanks to Virginia and nostalgic vowel-buying amusements, I have a letter obligation to fulfill. She has challenged me with an "O" and I have to list ten items I love that begin with that letter. I could just as well tell you "O" things I do not love (onions, Oreo cookies), but that is not my task. Herein I present my "O" preferences, in no particular order...

1. The Office - Brilliant original comedy from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. I've loved how the American version was able to first copy then extend the British show and remain hilarious. Very excited that next season in US is to be super-sized.
   
2. Orange drinks - I couldn't drink the stuff all the time. I love it because it's a rare treat. The high brow version would be (San Pellegrino's) Aranciata or Orangina, but I could just as well savor an orange Fanta (especially the European recipe). Actually, this ought to be extended...
   
3. Orange foods - I love eating orange foods and drinks together. That sounds more than a tad odd. I did not just make this up, ask David. My favorite beverage with cheese is orange juice (yum). I can imagine little better as a guilty pleasure than a bit of boxed macaroni-and-cheese with a bit of sweet and tangy orange-colored beverage. Yes, very odd.
   
4. Outlander - this book and its sequels by Diana Gabaldon captured my (romantic) imagination a few years back and I've often found their characters in my thoughts since then. Though I have been frustrated by many of the events, and the basic premise is implausible (it involves time travel between 20th and 18th centuries), the story reads so very true and fascinating that it's hard to shake once you've entered the world. I suspect diehard fans of Harry Potter feel the same about Rowling's work.
5. The ocean - the sights, smells, feel. I love the water, especially from a coastline or on a boat. Relaxing in a row boat streaming my fingers in the water beneath, dipping my feet over the side of a sailboat as we heel, or sitting on a beach as gentle waves lap around me...ahh. Bliss.
   
6. The outdoors - much like the ocean, only without the inherent wetness associated with it. Fresh air is at the core of this love of mine, but I also love the expansiveness of the outdoors, the sense of endless possibilities. I get antsy and down when I'm cooped up inside for too long. Look back over my early Beaumont existence and you will see what I mean. My dream home and lifestyle incorporates indoor/outdoor living. Again, bliss.
   
7. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - a beautiful story. Yes, it's depressing in parts, but there is also a lovely hopefulness to it. OFOTCN is one of several examples of 20th century literature that puts me in a mood and place in my mind that is youthful, fairly simple, engaged about the realities of life but not despondent about them. Sigh. I feel similarly about Steinbeck's Cannery Row, Stegner's Angle of Repose, and the various short stories and novels of Salinger. There is hope and acceptance intermingled in such stories, and they remain my most cherished reading.
8. Onomatopoeia - I love the little sound I make to mimic David's computer when he is "pinged" - bloop! Or the feel of saying "bzz" like a bee. Again, I'm not just making this up for purposes of a list here. Ask David.
   
9. Orlando Bloom as Legolas in Lord of the Rings. I'm not sure this falls into love level, but I definitely liked him there and I need a ninth "O". Sometimes Orlando can be a bit too pretty in movies (though sometimes that prettiness is quite nice to look at). And in real life he seems to prefer that not-filled-in-enough facial hair thing going on. But in LOTR his Legolas is lovely and fierce, kind of a marvel to watch, ethereal, which works for the character. I want to be able to fire arrows as he does.
   (FYI, I had contemplated putting as my #9 the story of Orlando, which is a book by Virginia Woolf then a mesmerizing movie starring Tilda Swinton, each of which is fascinating in its own way. But as my time spent with either work was long ago, my infatuation might not hold up at this moment. I'd rather not express love now only to have to withdraw it later. That would be fickle and cruel.)
   
10. Oddity - my own, especially, but I do appreciate it in others as well. Note that I did not say "outrageous" or "obnoxious". Oddity is on the edge of things, outside the mainstream but not completely alien. It's got a fun side, and as an often all too serious sort of person, I embrace fun where I can.
    

That's all. Were you looking for another O item? I am sorry to disappoint if that's the case, for I am spent. State your own "O" preferences in comments, please.